When Sorry Isn't Enough

There’s a saying in the South that goes something like this: “I didn’t break it - I can’t fix it.” It’s used to apply to anything bad that is – or at least seems to be – out of the control of the person speaking. It could be used to apply to legislation such as No Child Left Behind, the attitude of a child in the person’s class at school or in Church, the relationship woes of a loved one, the hatred a coworker shows for the person, and even literally, like in the case of a dead cell phone or computer. David and I at times has found this saying laughable, at other times concerning. We’ve had conversations about things that we didn’t break that we could still help to fix. For example, we encouraged a neighbor to read the Book of Mormon, attend Church, and meet with the missionaries, even though we didn’t “break” her troubled life. We also showed love toward and danced with a little girl whose life is usually filled with drama, high emotion, and loneliness. These are among the things, people, and situations that we didn’t break but still tried to help fix.

Today my heart is sad because I broke something that I can’t fix.

I actually do that more often than I’d like to admit and, when I do, I try to apologize and repent and move forward resolved to better in the future. But sometimes, “Sorry” just isn’t enough.

Feeling pressure that made it difficult to discern and follow the Spirit when the moment of decision came. As a result, we left Georgia about a week too early. That week would have allowed us to tie up some very important business. David would have been able to finish a project he was on at work, and may have been able to invite his interested co-worker to come to Church with his wife or meet with the missionaries. I would have been able to spend some more time with my aforementioned neighbor, and go to Church with her for the first time in months. I would have been able to bring my children over to the Glaziers’ house one more time. We would have been able to sit down with the Bishop and thank him personally for his help. I could have gotten my Chinese friend a picture of the Savior. We would have had time to organize our own belongings, and sell what we should have gotten some money for (and sell the car for more than we did so we could buy another one as soon as we got here). I would have been there to say what could get donated to a garage sale and what we wanted to keep. I wouldn’t have mispacked our tax documents, David’s scriptures and journal, the Preemie clothes PJ needs, the cloth diapers, and Charlotte’s journal. And I wouldn’t have to ask my friends to clean up my mess after I’d already gone, turn in my keys for me, and store in their house what we couldn’t ship.

My heart aches for the opportunities we lost, but mostly for who was hurt. Most have already forgiven me, and I pray that the rest will be able to some day. I miss them because I wish I were with them, and even more because I long to make it up to them somehow, but I can’t. There is literally nothing I can do to fix it, save to pray that Christ will heal the hurts and restore the important things somehow.

I don’t want to look back at Georgia as the year that was great except the end. I am so glad for the experience and people I added to my life – to my heart – for having lived there. I feel grateful to my Savior for taking on the burden of the sinner for the sinner – and also for those hurt by their mistake, miscalculations, slowness in listening to the Spirit, and other things.

He has truly borne our griefs and carried our sorrows. I pray that you and I will let Him heal our hurts and grow our hearts through it and into a greater capacity for love in the future, on until we can love as He loves. I know sorry is not enough, but I’m still sorry. I am so, so sorry. I pray that you will be able to forgive me, and I assure you I’ve learned from this sad lesson and I will do better in the future. I’m still a work in progress, but I hope we can still be friends and continue progressing together.